Flood Stud

June 24, 2011


Stephanie Abrams

There's a belt under those arms...

Do birds reincarnate into weather ladies? Petite, effete little weather ladies who perch on the set and cheerfully chirp what you are already looking at. Does anyone else miss when The Weather Channel mainly looped local radar images to baby-boomer Muzak?  I mean, you could leave the TV on for days in this state. Now they’ve gone all ‘reality’, with whatever shaky disaster footage they can scrounge up, and Jim Cantore doing his best imitation of Wolf Blitzer’s career: breathlessly injecting himself into whatever disaster frame he could, and now manning disaster central when those front lines roll through in the evening.

And you can’t help but notice that TWC hired a stylist, or something. Perhaps Daddy’s little girl’s idea when she was “interning”, I don’t know. But now, I more often than not get the latest national weather crisis from a blond waif who seems somewhere between ‘modeling was too wild’ and ‘science was pretty hard’. Especially at breakfast and dinner time. Ken and Barbie are adorable, safe, and perfectly dressed for the Spring Mixer at the Art Museum. And what…is with…the belts?! Belts, shoulder pads, shiny boots…What was it George Carlin said about when fascism comes to America? (Man, I miss George.) It seems all the original, experienced anchors are doing graveyard shift now. Except for Cantore, of course (“He gives me tha’ vapors, Shirlene!”).

Even Al Roker, the largest skull in weather, is Weird Al in the Morning, replete with kickbacks to a Ms. Abrams, whom I believe was the launching point of the current belt obsession. Her upper torso apparently requires serious belts…cummerbund sized belts…light-heavyweight champion sized belts. And she seems to stand more than others, for some strange reason.

I don’t know, man. Tight belts, breast-lines, bleached teeth, and bubbles are attractive and all, but I would love to see a weather channel with the best meteorologists talking about weather in the immediate and longer term. With data, interpretations of larger patterns, trending implications (without getting into the emotion-ridden debate of cause), and other…you know…sciency stuff. With maybe some of that nice, adult-alternative Muzak in the background…

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2 Comments on “Flood Stud”

  1. Tct Says:

    It’s just soft porn until the hurricanes


  2. Liz DeLoach Says:

    Hilarious! Tears rolling down my face funny. Please link to your posts from Facebook and G+. I miss Charlie Hall, too!


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