Solo Social Sabotage

February 25, 2012

Scribbling

I want you to do something for me:

The next time you are attending some fancy-pants party or affair, the more formal the better, I want you to shave. Not the usual stuff that is visible, I’m talking about the naughty bits.

A few words of caution, or perhaps preparation, are in order. A craftsman/woman is often only as good as his/her tools. Use a fresh, sharp razor for detail work. Splurge on yourself here. You’re worth it, baby! If the underbrush has become rather unkempt after many seasons, more modern mechanical aid may be advisable. A good, electric trimmer (something that plugs in or has a wall charger…none of that disposable battery crap) can subdue the perimeter, allowing a safer encroachment for more delicate hand-tools.

Depending on the length of clip you’ve used on your trimmer, you may be tempted to just roll with this more modern, suburban, 80s-era presentation. This may be tempting in theory, and even appearance, but will likely fill with fail in practice. I’ll explain why shortly…

If you are embarking on this expedition to Hinterland solo you may want to make use of a mirror, although I just get all turned around, myself. Either way, but especially without, be prepared for some neck ache. You may want to plan this little pre-party for the day before the big event. It will only help build the excitement in a rather fun fashion. But back to the neck: Hey, do you do any yoga by chance? Showers can be a wonderful place for this flavor of advanced grooming, but be careful of bending over like that for too long. Bend those knees!

Many of you ladies can probably skip ahead here: Nice and easy, now. Light touch, many strokes. This is not “paint the fence”. You literally won’t hurt anything if you adopt an artist’s touch. You ARE a work of art, and again, you’re worth it.

Now I would be remiss if I did not present a full disclosure that once you try this you may be in it to win it. Beyond your new-found joy in discovering that summer breeze makes me feel fine blowing through the jasmine in my…um…mind, there is that nagging discovery of why stubble sucks, or sticks, or snags, or ITCHES when you lazily let it sprout again, come springtime. Remember what I said earlier about the trimmer?

And when you’re done?

There you are. There YOU are. You are a swimmer. You are a dolphin. You are more acutely aware of changes in temperature than you have ever been.

Fun isn’t it? And don’t worry, no one else has to know. It’s your own little fun treat for yourself. A very inside joke that keeps an ever slight smile on your face which will make everyone envy/hate you.

If you journeyed this far you are ready to do one more thing for me before the big social event: buy yourself some silk underwear. Do it for me. Or let’s just say that until you realize why you are doing it for you…

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4 Comments on “Solo Social Sabotage”

  1. kateshrewsday Says:

    A masterclass, Brett ;-D Beautifully written and most persuasive…

    Reply

  2. andrewplacephotography Says:

    waxing is far better for long term comfort.

    Reply

  3. jlcollinsnh Says:

    if ever there was a post to which I had nothing to offer….

    ….but tomorrow morning when I’m dragging my rusted old blade across my grizzled face I think of this and smile…..

    ….and in smiling nick myself.

    Reply

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes Says:

    Wow. This was enormously intimate, Brett. Well written, not blunt but lovely. Yes, more acutely aware of changes in temperature. That’s very true. I do know what you’re talking about. But mercy, I’ve never seen a post written on it! Cheeky one, this…

    Reply

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