Land Snark

October 28, 2012



The fuel that is propelling our current American culture. Land of the Free, protected by a shallow moat of snark infested waters.

It’s the new capital in capitalism. Want to be King Rat of the rat race? Snark is your bait cheese of choice. Want to be involved in the governance of this fine country at any level involving camera work? Brush up on your zingers, gotchas, and sound-bites. Nothing past 30 seconds that doesn’t end with something inducing a guilt-tinged snicker. What do you think this is, NPR?

Want to be a star?! Snark it up, baby! Our instant peer polling on most popular TV personalities shows you slipping among the early teens we hope to market your halter tops and body spray to. How do you feel about fighting on camera…and homosexuals?

Got a hot single you know just needs to be heard to be adored by the masses? Lob some snide at your real or hoped-for competition. Your beats need bravado, brah! You gotta learn to bring the game to your home court!

Want to be a published author? Nothing like a good hate screed to wring up the numbers. Sitting presidents are pretty much a guarantee. How many talk shows are you willing to say something cynically outlandish and insulting on? Don’t worry about getting sued. We have plenty of exhaustive lawyers. Just remember to qualify everything as opinion and hypothetical, and you can pretty much say what you want. Bit of advice, though: don’t get too high-brow or use fancy vocabulary. Remember your target audience and always write angry.

But the real superficial beauty of snark, the insidious Americana of it, is its use as a formula for success AND for dealing with the lack of it. (Like this little “essay”, for example.) It is our favorite flavor of coping mechanism. It is the Juicy Fruit of¬†justifiers. That’s where the two-sided blade gets difficult to handle, and you better not get blood on your good Sunday pants. Again.

I’m making snark sound all bad, aren’t I? Let’s not, because you sure as hell aren’t taking away mine. There are certainly things in our life which call for – nay (nay?), beg for – a snarky perspective. It beats killing people. I assume. And I think there is a certain level of spirituality when you can recognize the irony in your own snarkiness.

But what the hell am I asking you clowns for?

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3 Comments on “Land Snark”

  1. Kathy Says:

    You said a mouthful. Great post.

    Another rule of today’s snarkiness: Never apologize. Hold your ground. Or say you were misinterpreted or taken out of context. (It happens.) Or say you misspoke. But don’t say, “I was wrong,” or, “I apologize,” or, “I shouldn’t have said that.” Irony is good, satire is good, but when we judge debates on who got in the best zinger–that’s just not smart.


  2. Cameron Says:

    Oh, good lord.

    You mean I have to stop being nice to get ahead?


  3. Scott Gregory Says:

    I look great in a halter top. Snark that!


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